Nonviolent Communication
Translated from Column Sharing, Positive Energy, Recruit |Date: 01/06/2020|
In daily life, we often witness tense communication where words are spoken but have little effect. In fact, situations may worsen, and emotions and relationships deteriorate further. In this issue, I’d like to introduce “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) as a way to enhance relationships with others and oneself.
Nonviolent Communication, abbreviated as NVC, is a communication model founded by American psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg. Its purpose is to enhance interpersonal relationships, self-love, improve communication, reduce verbal violence, and alleviate bullying, ultimately easing self-inflicted pain. While some may find the term “violent communication” exaggerated and think they rarely use it, it actually refers to excessive criticism and judgment towards oneself or others, distorting communication and potentially causing harm. Misuse of violent communication often stems from unmet needs, leading to impulsive emotional outbursts and expressions falling into four categories:
Easily passing moral judgments, e.g., “You’re lazy all your life.”
Making comparisons, e.g., “Others finish the task in no time, and you’re still procrastinating.”
Avoiding responsibility, e.g., “The boss told me to do it; I can’t refuse.”
Imposing undue pressure, e.g., “You contribute little to household expenses, showing no filial piety.”
NVC involves four simple communication steps, emphasizing objectivity and honest acceptance of oneself and others. The four steps are to express your observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Step One: Observation
When initiating communication, honestly state your observations of the other person’s behavior in a specific time and place, avoiding “judgments.” For example, instead of habitually saying, “You always miss the deadline!” you can say, “The last two reports you submitted were completed two days after the deadline.”
Step Two: Feeling
After expressing objective observations, honestly convey your own feelings, try to understand the other person’s feelings, and show empathy. For instance, “When we submit reports late to our superiors, I feel very anxious.” It’s essential to distinguish feelings as emotions, such as anxiety or sadness, whereas phrases like “I feel you’re wrong” may sound like opinions. Be cautious not to confuse the two!
Step Three: Need
Given that everyone has physiological, love, respect, and safety needs, after understanding each other’s feelings, try to articulate the “needs” behind those feelings, acknowledging mutual requirements. Instead of saying, “You’re so noisy; it annoys me!” which only expresses displeasure, NVC suggests saying, “When you speak loudly, I feel agitated. I need a quiet working environment.”
Step Four: Request
After observing, empathizing with feelings, and affirming needs, make clear requests. For example, express a desire for the other person to prioritize your needs, like submitting reports on time. Simultaneously, be open to fulfilling some of the other person’s needs, such as assisting in writing certain sections. It’s crucial to note that a request is not a command, and when expressing it, respect the other person’s choices.
Authored by Ms. Tsang Mei, Registered Social Worker, The Mental Health Association of Hong Kong